I am into this deep–seating uncertainty of emotions, I don’t know where to grab the patience and correct sanity, reviewing what had transpired between myself and the emotional inclination I am trapped into. It’s a very awkward instance to show that I, the self-acclaimed “strong man” of my own emotion faces such a situation where my former self can unlock all the strings before but now agonizing the bondage of the unbreakable lock of all: LOVE.
What the heck, as an activist, I am supposed to know the way to handle this hypothalamus-over mind experience, tracing what I’ve learned from long and arduous educational inputs I should be able to say “duh, what’s that”? But sue me, I am nothing compare to this.
Talking about proletarian relationships, I have the highest respect, which includes the standard policies, per se. and I’m not into violating such. I’m just emotionally unstable. Why? Of course, to follow strictly the process of what I have stated above will take me almost five years to fully realize. Why again? Duh! Well, to satisfy those hungry ears here I lay my cards… please don’t say “hello, it’s corny”, or you’ll be court-martialed.
I have fallen into this deep shit of admiring somebody, few months past and after a long and pestering “killing, obliterating, and suppressing” it. I eventually fail in the end. What did I mean? I am telling you about the admiration I felt for a young damsel which to be true very much younger than I am.
No! for Mao’s Sake, I’m not playing or falling to be a child-lover, harshly termed as a pedophile. Of course, it is not within my system. I can attest it is of pure coincidence. All I know I just can’t avoid the happy thoughts I have whenever I’m with her and the days are so infinite! Red skies of revolution play in consonance with the throbbing heart.
It sounds odd and frustrating for my side and clichéd for others, but I can’t help it. What’s happening to me! If only I can pray to whoever God (though I can’t find myself believing in one either) can solve this I will take my chances.
Right now, I am fully resolved that I’m in love with this girl, taking less consideration of what she feels in reciprocation, knowing the risk of falling yet unanswered, or rejected will surely break my whole nervous system. What an overstatement! But I just can’t predict what will happen between us or the love I am trying to prove.
Maybe it’s better to expect the worst than dream of uncertainties, isn’t it? If I’m only materialistic enough to do this – I am not supposed to tell what is really between us – because there is nothing to tell!
I just have this hint that she knows that some ugly guy likes her, and it seems so normal, which somewhat I’m not at ease. Of course, I never did mention anything about this damned emotion, or else nothing will ever happen.
I am willing to wait if that what it takes to prove to anybody who cares to know how much is my devotion for her, and the truthfulness of my feelings, to accept what it takes in the course of my waiting; may it be the final judgment or the continuation of I have started to cherished.
Whatever way, I have to take it objectively. I am mad at myself for wanting and missing that unpredictable girl, which in sentimental ways I owe her my dreams in pursuing the revolution towards victory. If only I can hope, I will.
Written on January 27, 2002